batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
honey bunches of taint.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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