hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
