i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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