Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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