we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
