So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
