So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
