you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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