I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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