i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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