In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
