Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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