The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
