dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Rumble strips road head = magical
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
