She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
