i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
