the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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