he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
