super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
