just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
