I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
