I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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