I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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