At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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