The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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