I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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