I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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