i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
as a side note pls kill me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
