May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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