apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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