She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
