I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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