I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
