yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Your cock deserves a montage
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
