Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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