I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
