I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
