you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
