just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
