1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
