I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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