as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
