I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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