My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You've changed since you got that strap on
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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