A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
