Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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