My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
