God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
