did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
