Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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